


Value Menu Date

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Date gone wrong, Deidara (mentioned) - Freeform, M/M, Sasori (mentioned) - Freeform, Sasori/Deidara - Freeform, romance gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22396057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: Kakuzu tries to be romantic for Hidan but nothing goes right.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 77





	Value Menu Date

**Author's Note:**

> For KakuHida Week 2018, day 2 prompt, romance gone wrong. It was a nsfw prompt but I made sfw, sorry...no smut here...but I hope you enjoy it anyways.  
> Originally posted- 2018-10-03

“Kakuzu...why don’t you ever take me out on a date?” Hidan whined loudly as they sat on the couch watching TV at 7:00 on a Friday night. It wasn’t even dark out. Hidan knew Kakuzu was cheap, and kind of old, but he wouldn’t even take Hidan to the senior citizen early bird specials. Supposedly he didn’t qualify for a discount, ‘I’m not that old, Hidan.’

“Dates are too expensive and you eat too much. The last time I took you out, you cost me eighty five dollars and I was still expected to leave a tip.” Kakuzu flipped through the selections on Netflx, nothing catching his attention.

“You told me to order whatever I fucking wanted!! You cheap old bastard!”

Kakuzu paused his scanning of movies and shows to turn to Hidan, “I didn’t think you would order the most expensive things on the menu, but of course you have no shame.”

“It was eight months ago.” Hidan pouted, “You never treat me right. I could-”

“You could what?” Kakuzu wanted to know, looking over at Hidan.

“I could go and find someone who would treat me right! And take me on dates! Jashin knows you’ve got the money for it.”

“No one would put up with you the way I do.” Kakuzu saw something he thought they would both like and pressed play, “This is our date: Netflix, and Popcorn. Enjoy it, maybe we'll kiss later.”

“You got this nasty ass, pre-popped popcorn at the ninety nine cent store! I hate it! I’m-” Hidan stood up, dropping the popcorn bag on the coffee table, “I’m leaving until you decide you can take me out on a fucking date once in a while, fucking cheap ass old man.” Hidan stomped out of the room as a violent zombie movie started. Screams came from the speakers as someone was being eaten. Kakuzu watched it for a moment, thinking Hidan would like it, so he paused the movie. He really hadn't wanted to argue with Hidan, and he didn’t think it would go so far either. He got up when he heard Hidan grab his keys off the kitchen table and stopped him at the front door.

“Where are you going?"

"Somewhere that's not here!"

"You’re serious?” Kakuzu asked, “You really want me to take you on a date that badly?”

“Yeah, I’m really fuckin’ serious. I do pretty much everything you want, and you can’t even take me out once in a while and show me off. I look damn good on your arm, Kakuzu!”

“You're right, you do.” Kakuzu smiled and took Hidan's keys from him, “Alright, I’ll take you out for dinner. Get ready and we'll go.” He watched as Hidan’s face lit up and decided that he wanted to see Hidan look at him like that more often and if that meant spending some money on him once in a while, then he could live with that. What else would he do with all his money anyways, eventually he would die and then what? He might as well get something out of it while he was alive.

Kakuzu hadn’t told him where they were going, so he felt somewhat guilty as Hidan sat in the passenger seat in a deep maroon colored button down shirt and his good jeans, he had even gelled his hair back and put on cologne.

“Where are you taking me, Kuzu?” Hidan wanted to know as they turned left on the green arrow.

“Well...ah, somewhere not too fancy…” Kakuzu mumbled as he drove down the street.

“That’s ok! You’re taking me out, so I made an effort to look less like I belong on an episode of COPS and more like I belong on an actual date!” Hidan was smiling though, and Kakuzu hoped his good mood would last.

They drove past several restaurants, and the mall and Kakuzu was wondering if he should rethink his decision on where they were going.

“Sasori takes Deidara out all the time.” Hidan said, “Now I can tell Deidara to shut his fat mouth the next time he tries to talk shit about you.”

“Deidara shit talks me?” Kakuzu asked.

“Yeah, cause you don’t buy me things or take me out, or do anything romantic…” Hidan sighed, “I’m not really complaining, I like spending time with you, but once in a while it would be fucking nice to get a gift or some shit from my boyfriend…”

“I’m sorry, Hidan, but I don’t like wasting money.”

“Wasting- I’m not a waste of money!!” Hidan shrieked as they sat at the red light, the car next to them heard and turned to stare and then started to laugh.

“Yeah?! What the fuck you lookin’ at, assholes?!” Hidan screamed at them and started to take off his seatbelt, "You wanna fight?! We can fight!"

Quickly, Kakuzu made sure the doors were locked and put the childlock on. He did not want another incident of Hidan getting out of the car to try to fight someone. The light turned green and Kakuzu sped off while pressing the button to put Hidan’s window up, as Hidan continued to shout more obscenities at the other car.

“I didn’t mean you were a waste of money!” Kakuzu shouted, “I don’t like spending it at all, period! You should be grateful for what I do spend it on for you. Your clothes, that cologne you’re wearing. How about the money I gave you for gas yesterday?”

“Yeah but…” Hidan picked at his nails as he settled down, “I mean, like romantic shit.”

“Fine. After I buy you dinner, we’ll go to the mall and I’ll let you drag me around and make me buy you a stuffed teddy bear.”

They sat in silence the rest of the way, and Hidan looked around as they drove into a McDonalds parking lot and up to the drive thru.

“What. The. Fuck.”

“Hello! Welcome to McDonalds! What can I get you tonight?” Came an overly cheerful voice.

“Kakuzuuu…” Kakuzu usually liked it when Hidan drug his name out like that, but this time it sounded more threatening than arousing.

“You can pick whatever you want, off the dollar menu.” Kakuzu told him.

“I am going to kill you. I dressed up for fucking McDonalds?!”

“Are you ready to place your order?” Came the voice.

“Not yet. Just give us a minute, please.” Kakuzu grumbled, then turned to Hidan, “You can have anything you want. As long as it’s from the dollar menu. So choose. _Now_.”

“I hate you.”

“Sure you do.”

After getting the food, and Kakuzu was sure Hidan bought almost one of everything, Kakuzu tossed the bags into the backseat before Hidan could dig into them and start eating before they were out of the parking lot.

“Hey!!”

“Just wait.”

“Fine. Where to now? The city dump?!”

“It’ll be the local cemetery if you don’t shut up!” Kakuzu drove, and Hidan thought they were going to go home and eat but instead he got onto the freeway.

“Where are you taking me now?” Hidan asked, “Is there a discount store you’re going to buy me a teddy bear at?”

“You’ll see.”

* * *

After ten minutes on the freeway, Kakuzu took an exit and drove through a canyon until they came out at the ocean. The sun had already gone down, and Kakuzu drove along the coast for a while before parking on the side of the road overlooking the beach.

“I’m not a romantic man, Hidan.” Kakuzu said, turning off the car, “I don’t like buying useless things, but I do spend money on you. I’m sorry if I hurt you by not taking you out more.”

“I don’t really want useless shit.” He then perked up and smiled, “This isn’t so bad for a date. Dinner at the beach? Kinda romantic.”

They got the bags of food and made their way down the wooden steps that lead to the beach. Kakuzu had decided at the last minute when he saw the freeway and wished he had thought of it earlier and brought a blanket to sit on, but it was ok, they could sit on the sand, sand didn’t kill anyone.

It was a little windy, but it was the beach, it was always windy there. As they started to eat, sand was getting in their food and they were too busy trying to eat and keep the sand out, which was a losing battle, they didn’t realize the tide was coming in until one of the bags of food was carried away by a wave.

“Kakuzu!! The food!” Hidan jumped up and ran after it, as he grabbed it, he lost his balance and fell into the wet sand face first and another wave washed over him before he was able to get back up.

Kakuzu sighed, this was why he didn’t try to be romantic. Nothing ever went right.

While Hidan was sputtering and cursing, Kakuzu grabbed the other bag of food and moved back from the incoming water while waiting for Hidan.

“You have something here.” Kakuzu picked a long strand of seaweed from Hidan’s shoulder, “Let’s just go home.”

As they climbed the steps back to the car, Hidan shivered in the wind, “You know, this was a shitty date…” His clothes were soaked and he was still hungry.

Kakuzu whirled around and growled, “Why do I even bother?! You’re not happy when we don’t go out, so I take you out and you still complain!”

“Well, you ‘took me out’ to the fucking dollar menu, then sand got in our food, and then the ocean tried to kill me! Sorry if this wasn’t what I had in mind!”

“The sand and you falling into the water wasn't my fault. And you seemed fairly happy with the date before you fell in.”

“Fuck this!” Hidan threw the bag of wet food into the air and as it came down he kicked it. It sailed several yards away and landed in the side of the hill they were climbing up. Hidan shoved his way past Kakuzu and up to the waiting car.

Kakuzu took his time climbing the remaining steps and then stood there, glaring at Hidan, “If you want to go out so bad, why don’t _you_ take _me_ on a date?”

Hidan looked up at him and shrugged, he hadn’t really thought of that... but he had a point.

“Get in.” Kakuzu unlocked his car and Hidan got in, slamming the door and by the time Kakuzu had walked around to his side, the doors were locked.

They went back and forth locking and unlocking the doors several times before Kakuzu was able to get in, and he slammed his door shut, “You’re ruining my seats.”

“What?”

“Your clothes are wet and you are sitting there, soaking the seat with ocean water.”

Kakuzu was glad he had black out tint on his windows as Hidan then proceeded to undress himself, going so far as to remove his boxers and threw his wet clothes onto the floor of the backseat. Knowing it was done to irritate him, Kakuzu said nothing and pulled away from the side of the road and onto the highway. The remaining bag of food had sand in it, and Hidan threw it into the backseat with his clothes.

“How about we get some more food?” Hidan suggested, “I honestly don’t even care what it is. I’d eat a fifty cent taco right now I’m so hungry.”

“I’m not going to eat a fifty cent taco, Hidan, that's how you get food poisoning.” Kakuzu drove until they found another McDonalds and ordered a few things, from the dollar menu of course.

“It’s cold.” Hidan shivered again, “When can we go home?”

“After we eat.”

Kakuzu parked at a park overlooking the ocean and put the windows down, “We’ll eat in the car this time.”

Hidan was still shivering, “Don’t you have a jacket or anything in here I could put on?”

“All I have is what I’m wearing.” It was just a t-shirt, and to Hidan’s surprise, Kakuzu took it off, and then leaned over and pulled his shirt on over Hidan’s head, “Better?”

Hidan nodded, the shirt was warm and smelled like Kakuzu. Hidan leaned over to kiss him, “Yeah, this is better.”

Kakuzu pressed his mouth to Hidan’s throat and kissed him, then immediately pulled away, sputtering.

“What now?!” Hidan demanded.

“You’re covered in sand!” Sitting back in his own seat, Kakuzu rinsed his mouth with coke and spit it out the window.

“Wow, that is really fucking sexy, Kakuzu... seeing you spit like that, I really want to kiss you now... Let’s get the fuck out of here and just go home already… I want to go to bed.”

The drive home was silent, aside from the noise of Hidan trying to suck the last drops of coke through the straw, until Kakuzu had enough, grabbed it and threw it out the window.

“Jashin on a bike!” Hidan swore, “You’re going to get a ticket for littering!!”

“Shut the fuck up, Hidan!” Kakuzu was done trying to be ‘romantic’ and was just going to be himself, fuck romance. He was not romantic, and Hidan was just going to have to deal with it. 

* * *

As soon as they were home, Hidan hopped into a hot shower and started washing off the sand, angry that their ‘date’ had turned out to be so shitty. He had even dressed up! Grabbing the shampoo he poured more than was necessary into this hand before working it into his hair. Kakuzu took him to a value menu as a date! What a fucking asshole.

Kakuzu felt bad about how their date had gone. He had tried, and it wasn’t like he could control the weather or the tide. He even gave Hidan his shirt to wear so he wouldn’t get too cold, he had thought that had been romantic. With his hand hovering over the doorknob to the bathroom, Kakuzu could hear Hidan grumbling and cursing from in the shower.

“What a fucking cheapskate. Value menu date my ass...I’ll show him how much of a dollar menu date I am...”

Kakuzu went in, quietly, not wanting Hidan to noticed him.

"I'm gonna make him pay, make him take me to a real restaurant and order the most expensive things."

“Are you done?” Kakuzu asked, standing next to the shower.

Hidan jumped and turned around to see Kakuzu’s shape through the fog on the glass, “Kakuzu!! What if I fell and hit my head and died in here?!”

“Then I’d have to buy you a used coffin off of craigslist.”

Making an outraged noise, Hidan flung open the shower door but before he could say anything, Kakuzu stepped in and pushed him against the wall, “Just shut up.”

“I didn’t say-”

“Shut up, Hidan.” Kakuzu kissed him before shoving him under the water, there was still sand on him, and took the shower head and ran it over Hidan, trying to rinse him of all the sand.

“What are you-”

“I’m getting all the fucking sand off of you! I hate the ocean. It stinks and you get sand everywhere. Listen to me, Hidan. I tried, alright? Next time, I’ll take you to an actual, sit down type restaurant.”

“I don’t care anymore...just order take out and we can eat at home, naked on the floor in front of the tv.” Hidan sighed, “I shouldn’t have compared you to Sasori... Deidara really pissed me off earlier. I don’t care where we get the food from either, buy it from the value menu or whatever. I knew how much of a penny pincher you were when we started seeing each other.”

Kakuzu paused and leaned down to kiss Hidan, “We’re wasting water, so hurry up.”

“Oi! Fuckin’ value menu boyfriend!” Hidan shouted and slammed Kakuzu against the wall, “Just let me wash myself! I'll take as much time as I want!"


End file.
